The Ending for me and the Beginning for another

Wednesday afternoon Carrie, Taylor's twin sister, tried to coordinate a time that she could update Matt and I both.  We knew that all the tests had FINALLY been completed.  We were anxious to hear the updates.  I was a little concerned that she wanted to talk to us both, but I thought that maybe the news wasn't great.  Maybe we were going to have to push back the delivery date beyond July 3rd, or maybe nothing they just knew how much we had been waiting so they wanted to tell us together, or maybe they were going to send ultrasound pictures and wanted us to be together?  Well schedules didn't line up and miscommunication over the time difference left us not connecting until 9pm after Matt did his church duties.  Carrie called Matt and she was talking too softly for me to even hear on speaker phone so Matt took it off speaker.  His voice was so quiet and he was speaking concerned but not repeating anything.  When he mouthed, "They didn't make it."  I was stunned.  Who didn't make it?  What is he saying to me?  Then he said, "I just can't believe this for you all or for us."  When my brain finally caught up to the words.  I couldn't breathe for a moment.  My head and my hurt hurt.  My whole body was shaking.  I called my mother in law, and I called my dad.  I was crying so loudly, but I also simultaneously felt the peace that can only be given from our Father in heaven.  Taylor is still with us but is brain dead so it will not be much longer now.  The girls' were fine yesterday morning by doppler, and they were planning on calling us with good news. They did a repeat ultrasound, and there was no movement.  The OB team and everyone else involved was apparently shocked according to Carrie.  They had all been preparing for the fight that would be coming our way as the girls were still going to have a potentially difficult NICU battle but didn't anticipate them not making it in the womb at this point after all that has gone on.    

I did think why.  Not why me but why Taylor?  Why did she have to suffer physically during this pregnancy for them to die now?  Why did her family get to cling to the belief that these girls would be born and the last of Sean and Taylor would be here to comfort them and bring joy if that wasn't going to happen?  Less than 24 hours has passed away, and I don't know why to either of those questions.

Carrie told me repeatedly that I have been a light in their family.  She told me again that Taylor was happy and at peace after she finally decided to place the girls in our family.  She said that as they have been at the hospital 24/7 watching Taylor deteriorate everyone took comfort that their fight was almost over and that the Tureks were going to be stepping up to bat to take care of these potentially sick girls.  We all had fallen in love and awe over Taylor and knew she was incredible.  My Dad said, "Maybe Heavenly Father had to send her one of his best families to introduce her to the gospel and to give her the peace of mind that her girls would be raised and loved well.  Then because He always has the best endings He loved her so much that He decided she should get to be with her husband and have her daughters on the other side as well."  We aren't the best family but these words were from my Dad and I know my kids are the best too so I get it.

I do know that Heavenly Father loves me, and He loves Taylor the same.  So, I know that He is happy with me as I did all that I could to love Taylor and her family.  I also loved Anna and Nora and dreamed of our future together.  I am heartbroken that this future is gone, but I know that I will heal.  I also know that even after I heal there will be days and moments of sadness.  You are never the same after losing someone or two someones or three someones.  Even though, I never held them or felt them kick, I had prepared and had become their mother in my heart.  I am going to miss my chance of being their mom.  I'm also going to miss Taylor.

As Matt and I wept together last night, I couldn't help but think of the times in the last 4 and a half months that we have dreamed and talked about our girls.  Matt has been as excited if not more so than me.  He has bought countless outfits and Amazon has been our friend multiple times.  Matt was caught looking creepy more than once on our cruise as he was staring at little girls in tiaras and Disney princess dresses dreaming about our own girls doing that soon.  Then just last week we were at girl's camp for Bishop's night and he took my hand and whispered, "Can you believe it? This will be our girls someday?"  So my heart breaks for me, for my husband, and for the boys that are innocently sleeping in the next room.

As much as we ache I am trying again to say what an honor and a miracle that we participated in this story.  Literally, hundreds of people have been praying for Taylor and for our girls.  We are grateful that we had the opportunity to know and love Taylor, her family, and our girls.