Behind This Smile

I have been on quite a journey and after the way our original journey ended in June, I wanted to spare the world from a roller coaster.  However, now as I feel this roller coaster coming to an end, I am finding that keeping everyone in the dark isn't helpful anymore for my personality.  People ask me how I'm doing, and I want to scream all that has been going on.  I want to say, "Well I'm actually not ok and here is why," but the grocery store or hallway at church doesn't seem to be the right forum.  Plus most of the time I am ok, but there are days when I'm overwhelmed.  So here it goes....

You all know the incredibly beautiful yet heartbreaking journey we embarked on in February of 2017.  We met Taylor the birth mom that left everyone in complete awe as she sacrificed everything for her unborn twin daughters.  Then just two weeks before the scheduled c-section we lost our twin girls and a week later we lost our new friend, Taylor.  She and I spent hours and hours everyday talking to each other.  Even though I only knew her for months I established a close relationship and friendship.  Taylor knew she was dying and had me promise her that I would force her twin sister, Carrie to visit me and the twins often.  She was worried that after her passing Carrie would shut down and refuse to let anyone in emotionally.   Carrie was the one that had to call us and tell us the twins didn't make it.  Carrie and I bonded over our shared grief.  We sobbed together and we shared stories of Taylor and we shared the shattered dreams that we had for the twin girls.  I kept my promise to Taylor in a different way.  Carrie has had many trials as she completed 2017 beyond just losing Taylor.  I have become her place to fall and share.  I have found these shoulders to be strong enough for her trials.  Although at times extremely draining to live so far away and be incapable of offering any relief besides listening, talking, and praying.  

In addition to processing our grief and Carrie's grief, we were presented with adoption potentials. After the loss of the girls, people would ask us what our plans were, and our plans were nada.  Our plans were to love our boys and try to just live life.  If someone were to approach us fine, but we weren't going to go through the drama, expense, etc of pursuing adoption through agencies or through adoption.com  For those that haven't ever experienced this path, there is a lot more involved than just saying, "I want a baby please."  So now for our potential adoption journey...

Taylor and Carrie were both counselors for at risk teens.  Taylor actually shared with me during one of our chats how incredibly frustrated she was with one of the teens that she had been working with.  The teen was using drugs and just found out she was pregnant.  She wanted an abortion and you all know how passionately Taylor felt about all babies deserving a chance to live.  Taylor told her that if she wouldn't abort she would find her a family.  She jokingly told her not as good as her family because she already called dibs on us but that she would find her one.  Well fast forward...Carrie took on Taylor's group in addition to her group at first for some social gatherings.  (Carrie's health has changed and she no longer leads the groups.)  This teen that Taylor told me about approached Carrie now very pregnant and approaching the window for abortion no longer being allowed.  Yes, you guessed it; she wanted us to adopt her baby.  We of course said yes although this question came only months after our loss that the pain was still so raw.  This is a yes to not only an unborn innocent life but this is a yes to Taylor and my love for her.  So we have been quietly involved in this pregnancy which is now only 2 weeks from delivery.  Through this pregnancy methadone is being prescribed, other drug use has continued, claims of suicide, and the baby only weighs 2.3 pounds at this week's ultrasound.  To top off the emotions of adopting a baby that will have to withdraw from drugs and have any number of unknown challenges we can't even emotionally fully commit.  The state of California is saying that we can't adopt the baby because we are not in the foster to adopt program and the birthmom is a teen mom in the foster system herself.  So, they are saying that despite her wishes that the baby will be placed in foster care.  Carrie has an attorney and is fighting this decision but the clock continues to progress and we pray that whatever is best for all will happen and pray that we are enough for whatever decision is decided.  

Carrie and her family are actually seeking guardianship/adoption of the teen I mentioned above and another pregnant teen that they also had a close relationship with but was kicked out of her home.  So Carrie has been caring for both of these teen girls.  The first girl was someone that they knew well and had over for family dinners and such.  I have heard of Carrie's struggles of caring for two at risk teens that are also pregnant.  It has been quite an emotional experience.  Carrie and I text daily and I send her pics of the boys to keep life happy for her so everyone in her house is as they call it is on "team turek."  So if you are thinking, "does the other teen girl want you to adopt her baby too?"  Oh you weren't thinking that because that would be crazy?  Well you are right and right.  Yes, she wants us to adopt her baby and yes that is indeed crazy!  Baby 1 is due Jan 23 but is anticipating a NICU stay.  Baby 2 is due very beginning of April.  Baby 1 will have some size and development catching up to do.  Their obstetrician said that due to this the babies will be "twins" in size and age.  So yes my friends we may or may not be adopting two babies in the next few months.  We don't know...Life is crazy.  I really am a boring person that has been forced in to a world of crazy because you simply don't say no to babies.  I'll keep you posted.

Thought this explanation was necessary after I posted on Facebook today.  "I've let grief and stress impact my body in a negative way. Some of the weight gain is my fault due to eating junk and some of the weight gain is my PCOS and it's poor processing of insulin and cortisol. Either way I'm heavier than I've ever been in my married years despite not missing a day of exercise. I have gained almost 20 pounds in less than two months!!! Wow my body sucks sometimes. I can be defeated or I can get up and get to work. Crushed my workout and I have my clean food planned out for the day.  I also have a doctor's appt to say dude, really?!  

Anyways just telling the world I feel defeated I cried before my workout because I have so much weight to lose. Then I dried those tears and said you start where you start or you stay where you are. Let's go Vanessa because you are awesome and you have been trained to do hard things."  

No worries world.  I know I'm beautiful and all that jazz.  Just keeping it real.

Oh yeah and also in the background besides adoption potentials we are trying to get our homestudy renewed (yep you have to do the entire process all over again each year).

Plus, Matt is doing training and getting shots since he is supposed to be deploying in October. 

Oh yeah and I passed out in the middle of my race in November so I've been trying to take it easy and chill and give my body some grace. 

Hmm maybe I just need prayers and lots of friends loving me near and far.  Life is certainly not what we imagine sometimes but it is beautiful in all its perceived imperfections as well.  

Love you all!

Christmas and Birthday Celebrations

We had lots of casual days in December.  Silly times with pajamas, selfies, and Christmas crafts/movies.

A friend in our church gave Joshua Newt Scamander's briefcase with stationary.  He changed to his Harry Potter robes, grabbed his wand, and basically this was his look for the rest of the month.  Even after Santa delivered, this was his favorite present of the year.  

Nathan loves these photo spots.  He always asks to do it.

Joshua wrote a letter to Santa asking if he could come one day early so we could change our plans and do a quick trip to SC.  I was planning on hosting everyone but Rachel's accident changed those plans.  We had to squeeze in a fun filled day with Matt since we would have to leave him behind.

 Movie

Trampoline Park all alone since it was the Saturday before Christmas

That night we did our traditional Christmas Eve "Jesus" meal by candlelight.  The story and mood was perfect as always but the fish this year was a little too fishy.  We all laughed and trashed it and cooked a frozen pizza.  :-) 

Christmas morning we had our traditional doughnuts.  Krispy Kreme!  Yummy!

Presents

Candy canes left by Santa

Special Christmas meeting at church and then home to spend time together and enjoy our Christmas gifts. 

Monday morning/Christmas Day for the rest of the locals made for an empty highway all the way to SC. We arrived in time for the big family gathering at my Dad's house.  We were missing some but enjoyed those that were able to come.  Food and company made me remember the good old days of being home for Christmas fun.  Joshua had a lot of fun with his second cousins as they discussed Star Wars and Harry Potter.  Nathan was happy to visit with all.

We met Nani, PopPop, and Kiki at Cracker Barrel on their way back from Georgia.  I then thought I would do a little shopping solo with the boys.  Why is it that shopping seems to be more painful then when my kids were little?  They hate shopping now and the youngest inspires FUN for all as he dashes through racks and hides.  

Dad got the boys a laser tag game that they loved and I had to keep stealing, I mean borrowing, to show them the "right" way to play.

Excitedly waiting for the big reveal as the marbles travel down the track.

Wizard Chess had Joshua and Uncle Jimmy thinking hard

Julia got this for Joshua and she patiently helped him construct as well.

Blocks with Collin

Love this kid that is so easy to love and sporting my new favorite shirt "Mama Bear"

Spoiling at Chick Fil A 

We finally convinced Nathan to hug Rachel as we were leaving.  He wanted to lick her instead or just not be too close.  He was afraid of hurting her or getting blood on himself.  He hasn't gotten over seeing her at the hospital when she first got injured.  

Had a good visit as usual and my dad and I played our game of Rummikub before heading out.  Julia joined us for a round too and it was great fun!  She smoked us as we all tried a new strategy.    

Long walks with Liz and finding animal tracks

Julia was seriously Paula Deen all week and cooked and baked so much deliciousness.  Plus, she gave us all hair cuts. 

We made it back to MS without problem and the boys were glued to Matt that evening.  We unpacked, did laundry, and got the house ready to welcome the Turek crew the following day. 

Movie watching, hanging out, and Christmas present opening from Nani and PopPop.  I didn't get a picture but with the expanding family and just the set up of the living room the presents and the people didn't really fit at the same time.  Going to need a new arrangement for next year  and we might have to ditch the furniture!  

With Matt being the Bishop he was able to extend a speaking assignment to his parents.  I really loved hearing my in-laws speak.  We get to visit but hearing them bear their testimonies and speak uninterrupted by little people for more than 5 minutes at a time was special.  

Christmas Madlibs are a Turek favorite.  I have fun memories of them doing those when I first met the Turek family.  Now my boys love doing them as well.  

A local photographer, Charlie Coffell captured our family so well for our annual family pictures.

Great pictures and it wasn't even a painful experience.  I was very pleased!

Cracker Barrel is a  family favorite dining spot.

We took off for the mountains of Tennessee to spend some time together while staying in a cabin.

 

Dollywood fun even though it was FREEZING!  The boys even got to take their aunts on a ride or two in the park.  

Enjoying the amenities of the cabin.

Joshua was giddy over the air hockey table.  He and I have played that a few times at arcades and he knows I enjoy it.  He declared that "our thing" together.  

Yes, this was us loving the hot tub an hour or so before it started snowing outside.  It felt amazing but definitely needed to stay in the water and no lingering on the porch once we got out.  

That is steam coming off of their bodies.

Mom and I went for a walk and rescued the cup Nathan lost over the edge during hot tub play.

Still smiling even though Kira felt a little under the weather

Hard at work

Taking care of this smiley dude

Kids love looking through the banister at those down below

A special part of the trip was the five of us going to do a giant Ferris Wheel.  The boys have had to share Nani with their new cousin Christopher at all of their visits since this summer when everyone moved back east.  They did have one road trip day from MS to SC that they had Nani and PopPop to themselves.  They have both noticed the new dynamic and commented on it so it was fun to sneak this special lady all to themselves for an hour.  Don't get me wrong they both spent the week holding and loving on Christopher and really love to try and make him smile.

PopPop joined us for a delicious lunch and then he took the boys back to the cabin.  We had two whole hours without them while wandering through shops.  I loved every minute and I especially loved the pottery shop and the Christmas shop.  

We usually have to celebrate our birthdays with our family of four or with local friends but with Matt's birthday being so close to the last day in the mountains AND a Publix down the street I knew we had to celebrate together.  Happy 35 to this special husband and father.  We are blessed in many ways.