The Turek Family: February 2018

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Broken and Blessed

I've been hurt, lost, and uplifted all simultaneously. Right before we received our little girl, I spent the day waiting on news from the caseworker about when she would be bringing her. Then that evening she finally responded and said it wouldn't be the next day like we anticipated. I was crushed. It shouldn't have been a big deal but it was just a slap in the face and so similar to the year that I had spent always waiting on news from other people and always being at the mercy of someone else. I absolutely lost it; I cried and I cried. I questioned everything. Do I ever receive revelation? Had I ever been right? Did I take us on this adoption adventure that had resulted in no babies falsely? Were we supposed to suffer any of it? Why? Why didn't I hear Him more clearly? I thought I heard but maybe I didn't but maybe I did. I've done what I'm supposed to do everyday. I read my scriptures and said my prayers. What had all of this been for? I've never felt this hurt, lost, and basically broken. My husband turned into the bishop and I could tell was shaken to see me this way. I'm ALWAYS together. I'm ALWAYS perfect. I had ENOUGH and I was DONE. I prayed for hours and honestly at the end felt nothing that I was searching for. I didn't feel peace or feel that I had received an answer. I just felt tired. I went to sleep and the next day I decided that I needed to plead again. I prayed in every moment. I read articles from lds.org. Matt was sending me articles from work. (Remember I told y'all I scared the Bishop.) I found nuggets that were good but still didn't feel great. I posted this to FaceBook after my morning pursuits.

"Life has had me a little bogged down. I read a great talk today on having joy no matter what life has to offer. Intentionally trying to live as He would have us live and focusing on Him is the only way for true joy amidst the storms. I was intrigued by the use of the word intentional. I often make good choices but I think sometimes they’re just a habit which is a good thing but if I want to be overwhelmed with joy than this suggested to me that I need to be more intentional in seeking opportunities to do good just as we seek opportunities to have happiness."

Then my sister-in-law called me to chat about house shopping and I tried to keep it together but the dam broke and I poured out my heart. She listened and she wept with me. She cried as hard as I cried and I felt the words "mourn with those that mourn" pour into my mind. I told her about reading the talk to hold on to past times we had felt the spirit and past memories of when we were sure but that I simply couldn't remember any or trust myself any more. She then shared a few times that I had touched her life after saying, "I just had a feeling to do..." That was enough to carry me through the day and to my evening prayers. I never felt perfect but I decided that when a person is broken she should then tread slowly and carefully. I committed to pray more diligently and earnestly and hopefully I would lead us the right way. I still don't know if this adoption journey was misled or led but just wasn't supposed to have the ending I anticipated. Perhaps I'll never know in this life.

This experience was then followed by the arrival of our little girl. I can not adequately describe the clear, dark, panic, horrible feelings I was consumed with as I thought of keeping her in our family. What?! This simply can't be. How can this be the right answer? Am I simply afraid to do the right and hard thing? Surely, the right thing is to keep her. I don't care that she has special needs. She was definitely not what we were expecting but she is still a child of God. How can not keeping her be the right thing? I will take care of her. We will hire help. We can do this. Let us. Remember how I said I had just a crisis of faith and character only days before? Now, I needed to trust myself and my ability to receive direction on a huge decision. I couldn't. Please don't make me. We literally spent the weekend in tears and agony. I've never wrestled with something so much in my life. I was physically sick. However, when I would give in to the thoughts of not keeping her in our family. I felt a little taste of relief that this was right. I felt gratitude for my life with our family of four. I saw joy in my path. I also realized that for the first time in many years I was going to be choosing for myself and for my family. Adoption is so much about "playing a game" and always trying to accommodate and wait on someone else. There is very little control. I'm especially bad at this since I'm a natural pleaser anyways. We made the decision but I still didn't feel great just better than the awful agony I felt when I would vocalize that she should stay. I thought why can't I get peace this is supposed to be how this works!!! I prayed and prayed. I then had to step in the dark and go with my best opinion of what needed to be done. I sent an email first so the caseworker wasn't blindsided and then we talked for 3 hours on the phone. After this was done the light was visible and the weight removed. I knew that I did the right thing and that I did indeed get an answer.

Why am I writing all of this? I don't want to forget because I know that Satan wants us to doubt ourselves. He wants us to doubt that we can actually communicate and receive answers to our prayers. When we give this notion power we are lost and powerless. I have learned that sometimes the "best" of us feel lost and broken. I am still weak from my journey this last year. I am still a little broken. However, I am blessed to be broken this way. I'm not sprinting in any direction. I'm trying to be still. I'm praying a little longer. I'm staying on my knees waiting a little longer. I'm asking for His loving arms and for His peace. I'm going to be seeking for joy in Him.

For now it is time to close this therapeutic session of blogging and dance with three cute kids and enjoy the moment I've been given.

Monday, February 26, 2018

Other Plans

After discussing the complex case of our foster child with her case worker this morning, we have come to a mutual decision that the best thing for "our" little girl is to be placed in a home that has more resources to care for the needs that she has. We are grateful for the opportunity to learn from her and grow from this experience. The caseworker said that we answered many questions and filled in many gaps about her needs. Apparently we were the stepping stone needed to advocate for her. We will be taking her to a doctor as well to hopefully advocate for even more of her needs. We are so grateful for prayer as we all feel that this is the best decision for this little girl. It is crazy to not feel right about fighting to keep her. We were a little angry to be on yet another "dead end" adventure. We were confused and hurt but we do feel that He needed us for one more journey to speak up on her behalf. We will have her for the next two weeks or less as the transition happens. I will get my fill of sweet innocent snuggles and pink and bows. We are grateful for our family of four and we are truly ok as we close this final door in the pursuit of adding to our family.

Friday, February 23, 2018

You Thought We Were On A Wild Ride Before...

Tuesday we were preparing to leave California and feeling a sense of closure in regards to no longer being able to adopt either of the promised babies. We were sad but also relieved to feel like we could finally stop living each day of our lives in wondering and waiting on news from California. We had lived an entire year that way and were emotionally beat. Matt and I were sitting quietly discussing all of this and we both agreed that unless a child was essentially delivered to our door we would never adopt or try to adopt again. The road had been too long and too painful. In this exact moment, Matt received a text message from someone he has worked with only twice and it was about 7 months ago. She said that her good friend was an adoption social worker for Mississippi and that she had a 5 year old little girl that was completely free and clear of entanglements and needed to be adopted. She is slightly delayed, possibly neglected, and has been with the same foster family her entire life. She had no real information just that she needed a family and she thought of us. We were stunned and overwhelmed. We instantly sought our Heavenly Father's help and to be honest we didn't get an overwhelming feeling of what to do. We just followed the thought process of we have the means and the need is there so we can do it. Plus a text message is the modern day "door." I was still skeptical that anything would come of this because we have actually looked into the foster system before. They will not accept anything from the private sector. I knew our private homestudy, fingerprints, etc would be invalid. I also knew you have to take classes and it takes about 6 months to become licensed. Plus, let's be honest government and speedy don't usually go together. Matt text his coworker and said he was interested. Before we boarded our plane we had an appointment with the caseworker for the very next day in our home. This Tuesday marks the two week mark since our initial conversation. We are officially licensed Mississippi foster parents. We took hours and hours of classes all condensed and given to us in our home. We completed doctor's appointments, background checks, fingerprints, etc. Today we received our daughter. She is in love with the boys and is the most delightful and happy child. She is anxious about tonight and wonders when she is going back to her Mom. The caseworkers feel that they will explain this to her in stages. She understands that we have a room and things for her and she is going to stay with us for awhile.

P.S. We cant share her picture on social media but she has beautiful blue eyes and a precious smile.

Thursday, February 8, 2018

January

Joshua made this cool crane from a kit given to him by Aunt Julia for Christmas.

Matt helped us with homeschool by leading fun science.

Joshua loves drawing!

He finished the third grade course book and earned a free restaurant lunch on a day of his choice.

We had friends over to play.

Joshua wanted to read to "the kids" and he was asking them to make predictions and other good teacher reading strategies. It was adorable!

Things got a little wild with sugar cookies.

I told the kids we would go outside and I hurried to catch up with them as Nathan took everyone on a walk.

Joshua has started learning about Minecraft.

Rachel hung out with Nathan a couple times. It made him very happy.

The best part of January was our 24 hours with Nani and PopPop. We were in serious need of parents. We had a quality visit with them and felt our spirits renewed and our hearts ready for our big California adventure.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

California

This was the easiest way to share this with all of our friends. I appreciate all of the calls and text messages to check on us and to wish us well as we went on our much anticipated California trip. We planned to finally meet Carrie, her family, and to connect with the birth mom due in April. However, none of those things took place. We were supposed to stay for a week at the temporarily empty home of a friend of Carrie's. We were also supposed to eat groceries since we would have a kitchen. Carrie was in charge of showing us a good time in the city. After the two grueling and stressful days in court in which our hearts were crushed, Carrie was feeling very rundown and was struggling to breathe. She went to the hospital and was placed on the top of the lung transplant list. She was then flown to a hospital in Los Angeles. We arrived in California on Thursday and had no idea that everyone was then in Los Angeles. We tried to reach people and never heard from anyone until late Friday afternoon. We spent each day of our trip trying to get information and trying to figure out what we were supposed to do. There was a problem with the lungs that she was supposed to receive, and it was determined that she should receive her care at Stanford since they were most familiar with her care. She arrived on Saturday and the rest of her crew made it back Saturday night. They were preparing to put her on comfort care. Sunday morning lungs were found and determined to be a match. We went to the hospital on Sunday and stayed there all day. Her Dad was out of town and was traveling back but didn't arrive until that night. Her Mom stayed in place in the special family waiting room. Her brother is deaf and said he didn't want to leave his mom and wouldn't be able to communicate with us. The birth mom due in April and her guardian had a stomach flu and were too sick to meet. Surgery took longer than anyone expected and lasted into Sunday evening. We reached out multiple times and nothing was ever able to happen. Monday they were recovering, and Tuesday they apologized for their rudeness and offered to meet up but we were already at the airport. I really don't have adequate words to express my feelings. I went with the purpose of showing Carrie my love and support. I went to have some closure to this very long year filled with love and grief. I went to also meet a potential adoption situation and solidify our plans there. Tuesday as we were leaving from our very expensive trip (no free house, no kitchen, no groceries, no entertainment host) we felt that there was the closure in that we aren't going to count on anything for our future. It is hard to do because I don't want to cut off ties with Carrie, but I was so disappointed in how we were treated by her family that it is hard to separate the two. We are hoping for her full recovery, and we will take our relationship from there. I will always be Carrie's friend but after a year of texting daily with Taylor and then Carrie as well as always waiting for some type of news I'm just emotionally tired.

We made the most of the adventure though and made great memories on our trip west.

The boys were great travelers!

Matt has always wanted to drive a 4 runner!

Point Reyes

We saw a coyote.

We saw several sea lions and whales.

The boys really enjoyed exploring and climbing.

Every opportunity Nathan would pick me a flower.

Nathan got car sick as we traveled very windy roads between Point Reyes to Muir Woods. He tried to puke out of the car but managed to coat the outside, fill the door cup holders, and floor board. It smelled horrible and made the rest of the afternoon a bit of a challenge. Our stop in Muir Woods was short after the puke and then there was some drama with parking. The boys still managed to smile and enjoy the majesty of these beautiful, giant trees.

Downtown San Francisco where it costs 30 dollars to park and 7 dollars to ride the trolley each direction but you get to eat neat food and see cool sights!

Alcatraz