Losing Something When It Isn't Yours To Lose

The end of November I received an email from a Facebook friend indicating her neighbor's teenage daughter was pregnant.  My Facebook friend remembered my post about looking for a baby to adopt from October.  I will not bore you with the details nor do I want to share anyone's private information but I will tell you that there were so many amazing coincidences that made this situation perfect for our family in regards to the timing, the location, and so forth.  I was dutifully guarded because I knew intellectually that these situations can come up and disappear.  Obviously, now that the outcome I desired doesn't seem to be happening I partially wish I had remained guarded.

 However, I have decided when you love sometimes you lose and I will try hard to not regret my decision to fully embrace and open my heart to this possibility.  I knew that the mother of this unborn child wasn't in the best situation of her life.  So, I began to earnestly plead and pray for her to have strength and comfort.  I asked my family to pray for her as well.  We prayed that she would be taken care of and the child growing inside her would also be healthy and eventually ours.  I knew from the start this little one was a girl.  I thought of her often and prayed for her as well.    January arrived and so did the announcement that the baby was indeed a girl.  As far as I knew the mom still wanted to place the baby for adoption.  I began to relax a little as I thought well she has seen the ultrasound which is such an exciting time and she knows the gender so the baby isn't an "it" but a she and she is still going to place the baby.  This baby and this mother found their way into our hearts fully.  I found myself dreaming in pink and thinking of the future.  June 1st would be here in no time!

She was scheduled to meet with the agency we are using to adopt on Friday.  I prayed and waited to hear how the appointment went with the understanding that this was a pivotal moment.  It would be an opportunity for one more sigh of relief.  Well, my Friday update came and the mother actually decided she does not want to place the baby anymore.  As I read those words on the screen, I couldn't breathe for a moment and my eyes burned and then the tears flowed.  My heart was completely broken.  I know, I know how could I mourn a loss that wasn't mine to lose?  I don't know.  I can't explain it but I really feel/felt like this baby was meant for our family.  This hurt was similar to that of a failed pregnancy test when you really think this was the lucky month or a fertility treatment that didn't work but so much greater.  I think maybe because this time there is a baby growing and it is so close but it isn't ours.  It could be but we don't have the ability to make it happen.  Our individual free agency is very real and very special; this mother has the ability to make decisions for herself and that is a gift.  So, I will wait again.  I will wait for my blessing to come when it will come.  Although, I don't want anyone to offer me the comfort of a different baby will come from adoption or don't worry someday you will get pregnant.  I know all of this.  I know that someday I will probably get pregnant and that someday someone may choose us to adopt their child but it isn't this baby.  It isn't this child that I felt was for me.  I will remember her and miss her.  

Family Time

After Christmas, we made a quick trip to SC for a wedding!  My sis-in-law married an awesome guy in the temple on Saturday, the 29th.  It was neat to be in the temple with all of the Turek siblings now.  The day was truly one to remember.  The weather remained rain free which was much better than the forecast.  The reception was beautiful and the lovely couple looked happy and carefree all day just as they should.

Because of the occasion we were able to see a lot of awesome people as a bonus

                                                     

                                       4 generations of Turek men

                                         Posing with grandparents

                                                   

                           Bridesmaids and the lovely bride

My two favorite men

Kira snapped this photo which shows how I feel in SC with everyone.  Plus, you can see the pretty jewelry that she made for all of us for the wedding.

We also saw cousins, an aunt, and friends that were able to attend the wedding.

There are some great pictures that were taken from the wedding that I'm sure Jessi will share soon.  I don't want to steal her thunder.  

Joshua loved getting in cuddles with his Aunt Jessi.  Here he is also modeling his new cowboy boots that Aunt KiKi bought for him.  He loves his boots and really "needs" a cowboy hat now to complete his look.

 Somehow, I managed to not get a single picture of Joshua and Aunt Kiki. When we travel to SC, we leave our camera behind and I left my ipad upstairs while we were at the Turek home so....no pics.  :-(

You can tell by the smile though that we had an awesome visit and second Christmas at the Turek home in SC.  Some of my favorite memories from this trip at the Turek house were late night chats about everything and nothing all at the same time.  Matt leading us all in madlibs.  Giggles from my little one as he played chase with Nani, Pop Pop, KiKi, Jess, and Uncle Peter.  (Yes, Peter is the only one he consistently gives the title before the name.)  Santa finding us in SC who is always so generous.  Seeing our grandparents and visiting with them.  Helping set up for the wedding reception and really feeling like I was able to contribute as a daughter should.  Going to Zaxby's twice (lucky.)  Playing Cranium with Jessi and Peter and then eventually everyone else in the room whether they wanted to or not.  Making breakfast for everyone.  Just simply being together as a family.

We were fortunate enough to be able to spend a couple of days visiting my family too.  We are so lucky that our families only live about 45 mins apart so when a special occasion takes us to one location it really takes us to both locations.  All of the kids were home at the same time so we had a few family pictures taken.

The ipad at the house was left in the living room since that was also our bedroom at night.  Here our a few pics of J man with his fans.

We had some good times with my family too.  Julia gave me new hair and styled it for me for pics.  She always makes me feel pretty.  As kids we wandered the mall together and rented movies.  I loved whipping everyone in Rummikub especially my Dad since that is a crazy accomplishment.  I believe he will be ready for me when I come back.  Watching my parents play with Joshua and really bond with him this trip.  It makes me sad how little they get to see him.   Watching my Dad spend an hour trying to set up this paper gingerbread house to prepare it for gluing only to have Joshua yell, "Tower!"  He of course then crashes it to the ground.  The kids all gasp and we see not our Dad but a now Grandpa simply laugh.  Joshua and my mom building a real gingerbread house later but I'm not sure how much building happened but there was a lot of frosting and candy eating.  We were able to see grandparents, aunts, and uncles at a family party.  Matt leading us in Madlibs.  We ate carolina style bbq.  We just talked and laughed and really enjoyed being with one another.

For both families Joshua pretty much had everyone doing whatever he wanted them to do.  He is an only grandchild on both sides so he doesn't go out and play with all the kids.  He just brings all the adults to him.  :-)

Unfortunately, the trip was short and we didn't get to see all of our friends or spend long enough with our family members.  We are already hoping and planning a trip possibly for this summer.

We had beautiful views on our flight home.  Joshua was seriously a dream on the way home too.  He just played and looked out of the window.  Lucky us!!!

Our Christmas

Christmas Eve day was spent with Joshua and I busily cleaning house and getting everything just perfect for the evening and day.  Of course, we did all of this to Christmas music all day long so it was perfect!  That evening we went and walked the local neighborhood to look at Christmas lights which is always a treat with Joshua.  He developed this game of "eating" the lights.  By the end of the Christmas season, he was eating and sharing the lights with us.  He would also comment on if they taste yummy, sour, or yucky.  He is a quirky one but he is ours.  :-)

Then it was back for our Christmas Eve adventures.  We turned off all the lights and lit the house by candles.  We had a meal of bread, cheese, fish, olives, green beans, and sparkling cider.  This was our "Jesus" meal.  Joshua really loved sitting by candlelight and we had his undivided attention.  We told stories of Jesus from the scriptures especially those involving fish.  :-)  We decided to go ahead and do the Christmas story at the table since he was so captivated.  Side note- I personally don't like sparkling cider so I had water and Joshua ended up with water too.  It was his first fizzy drink and he declared it to be hot and too "tickly" on his tongue. 

 We ended the night with songs and then we all had birthday cake.  Joshua was so excited but really wanted Jesus to be at our house for the party.  It was cute.

Christmas morning came around 7 just like I like it and Joshua declared that he had peed through his pajamas and needed to be changed.....FUN!  So no cute christmas pj pics....just the favorite Avenger shirt that he wants to wear 24/7.

Santa left a trail of candy canes from his room leading down the stairs all the way to the tree.  Joshua was very excited to collect and follow.

 His best gift and only 99 cents.....

 Why yes that is a fireplace on our television....Matt was creating the mood.

 Joshua actually had requested a gift back in November and stuck with it all the way to Christmas.  He wanted a skateboard with handlebars (a scooter.)

Pleased that Santa ate the birthday cupcake from the party and the reindeer ate their carrots.

We opened presents from grandparents too and shared that unwrapping time via skype.  Isn't technology great?

We also had our favorite breakfast of stuffed french toast.  This was shared with me early on in our marriage by a sweet friend and it has become a number one request by the hubby.

Since, our Christmas wasn't really on Christmas Day due to Matt's work schedule I opted out of cooking dinner.  We instead went downtown to eat on the river and enjoy the lights of the Riverwalk. 

This is Joshua playing with one of his gifts, a Melissa and Doug pizza.

As we were play eating, he decided on his own we needed to pray first which he would lead.  It was so sweet!  I called Matt in to try and capture it on the ipad.  Watch what happened next...

What an awesome Christmas?!