Recognizing Rainbows During the Rain

 My world was turned upside down and inside out on Tuesday, May 12th.  My Dad called and choked out the words, "Your Mom is dead."  I don't know how you deliver that message or receive that message.  The shock and the desire for this to not be real are instantaneous. Although you logically know that would never be a joke someone would say, you still wish that for some cruel reason the message deliverer has a weird sense of humor.  My Dad wasn't joking and he was calling at 6 am.  This was real although it felt surreal.  Matt "happened" to be home.  This isn't normally the case so I recognize this as a rainbow in the rain.  He immediately scooped me into his arms and wept with me.  Then he went upstairs to wake up Rachel.  I told her the news and he held us both.  He then had to go to work and the little girl I care for during the day was being dropped off.  We managed to pull ourselves together and care for the three kids.  Kids are definitely rainbows in a rainstorm.  This was a good distraction although it was impossible to be distracted.  I would cry.  I would feel nothing.  I would feel everything.  I would feel peace.

One of my biggest comforts I experienced immediately after the news was the knowledge of the trip we just took.  How can someone not be directing my life and helping me when all of these coincidences are occurring?  We had not been home since May the previous year.  We didn't plan any trips home, and my parents kept making plans to come but Mom was never physically up to make that long of a road trip.  We had two weeks of vacation time reserved together.  We debated on going to Disneyland since we are moving to MS in about 6 weeks.  The drive would be the same to Disneyland or to SC and we would soon be so much closer to SC that we thought maybe we could wait.  I felt strongly that we needed to go visit home.  We thought that prompting was because we wanted to buy a house in MS so we explored that avenue but decided on base housing after all.  I am so grateful that we made that trip home.  I can not imagine the pain and guilt I would be dealing with had I not just spent a week with my family.  The trip was wonderful and my Mom kept saying how much she enjoyed every minute.  The day we left she was crying that she didn't know how she could go back to the quiet house.  I know she is keeping busy now.

My next thought of comfort came in remembering this blog.  Monday before my Mom's death had been busy.  We had just returned to San Antonio on Wednesday evening so there was still a pretty decent "to-do" list but I had this nagging to update my blog with our trip, Joshua's birthday, and Mother's Day updates.  I listened and my Mom looked at all the updates.  We talked on Monday during my laundry time and she told me how much seeing our trip on my blog meant to her.  We laughed about Joshua's birthday reaction at Red Robin and she told me I was a wonderful mother.  Those got to be my last words from my Mom.  I will cling to this forever.  Both of these thoughts and comforts came to before 9 in the morning.  I was so grateful that I could see these rainbows as I felt like I was simultaneously drowning in a rainstorm.

My Mom wasn't sick so we weren't expecting this at all.  However, my Mom hadn't been fully well for a long time.  She has had many many ailments along her journey of life.  Her last fall and break had taken longer than usual to heal.  Even after she was healed, getting around was very difficult.  She had been basically a shut-in at home for the last 8 months.  This was torture for my Mom as she loved people and loved being apart.  As my mind processed this information of my Mom's death one of the thoughts I had was that my mom is free to visit.  She loved doing family history work so I know she had a crowd waiting to greet her.  I also had a dream Tuesday night before we flew home that my Mom was in heaven playing with her Grandpa Anthony and caring for a little brother that passed away as an infant.  My Mom always told us stories about her love for her Grandpa Anthony.  This dream was definitely a rainbow for me.  I will be sad without her but she is in a better place.

My mother-in-law was called immediately.  Matt called her on the way to work.  She called my Bishop and he was over at our house that morning.  It was nice to have someone aware of my needs without me having to make any calls at all.  Another rainbow.  My mother-in-law and entire family that I gained through marriage has been wonderful as I have gone through these past few days.

Matt was able to come home from work a little earlier than usual and he was given permission to miss work so we could fly to SC together.  I really thought that Rachel and I would go with the kids alone.  I am usually a rock and really don't rely on anyone else but to say that I have needed my husband the last few days would be the greatest understatement.  He has been such a source of strength and comfort.  Our love for each other has been strengthened through this trial of loss.

We told Joshua the news together on Tuesday.  I was terrified to do this because as a mother you simply don't want your kids to ever hurt.  You know this isn't realistic but you would take away any and all pain if you could.  I told him with Matt by my side and tears streaming down my face.  He was shocked, sad, and quiet.  He then quietly asked if she would ever FaceTime again.  We explained she wouldn't.  He wanted to know how someone's heart could just stop working.  That was tougher to explain and he processed that thought all day.  We all went back downstairs and he went and got out his scriptures (he can't read these yet) and found a page.  He looked up at me and asked if this was the part about the resurrection and if that was real.  I told him that yes resurrection was real.  He then simply said that we didn't need to be sad because he knew Grandma would be resurrected.  He also added that now her silly legs won't hurt her anymore.  My sweet Joshua provided a rainbow to us all.  He has given lots of hugs and kisses.  He drew pictures to illustrate his feelings and the simplicity of a child's perspective is really the best gift.

Wednesday and Thursday were less than ideal but still blessings can be found.  Our flight was delayed and our luggage didn't make it.  However, we still made our connecting flight even if it was with only minutes to spare and without an opportunity to buy food so we were starving.  Our luggage didn't come in time for the funeral but new clothes were purchased in under an hour by the amazing Matt when we finally got American Airlines to admit our stuff wasn't coming in time.  We did spend time both days with family and friends; we laughed and we cried together.  My parents' house was filled with food and love.  (I don't know if I can ever call it just Dad's house.)  My Dad wanted pictures of my Mom shared so we dug through photo albums Wednesday night.  We told stories and remembered happier times.  Matt put together a slide show and we all cried and laughed as we watched it and prepared for the funeral on Thursday.

My Mom's love for my boys is evident in every picture taken of her.  I know she will not miss out but I will miss out on seeing her enjoy them.  This is one of my favorite parts of being a Mom.

The funeral was hard and wonderful all at the same time.  There were so many people that came to show their love for my Mom and for us.  I had friends that drove long distances and an old high school friend that came.  This made a huge impact on me and I felt really loved.  My mother-in-law came and was prepared to mourn and remember my Mom, however she spent the entire time playing with Nathan.  This was so helpful and exactly what was needed for everyone.  I know my Mom would approve.  She was probably only half listening to the service because she was probably distracted by Nathan's enthusiasm for life.  :-)  

(Taken during the dinner served for our family after the service)

My family was surrounded by love and the words spoken were perfect.  My Dad actually spoke for about 30 minutes.   He was so bold in his message of love, eternal families, and our belief in Jesus Christ.  We all sang two songs at my Dad's request.  It was a beautiful service of laughter and crying.  We remembered my Mom, and we focused on what my Mom is now enjoying and what we can enjoy too.  My Dad also shared his experience the night before my Mom passed away.  He said that he dreamed they were in the hospital together after one of Mom's many sicknesses, he said then the scene changed and my Mom was in heaven playing with her Grandpa Anthony.  He said he asked her what she was doing and she laughed and said, "None ya business."  He woke up and checked on her.  My mom was no longer alive.  

Friday we were all emotionally exhausted.  We spent some time as just the kids and my Dad. We also left my Dad to watch the boys and we went to a movie together.  It was just what we needed.  We then spent the afternoon with friends of our family.  We were surprised at the funeral from a former sister missionary and her family.  This missionary was such a blessing to my mom and we were truly touched that she would drive so far to honor my Mom.  Matt and I went and had dinner with his parents.  It was a wonderful evening.  Saturday we woke up way too early in order to fly home.  We made it home.  I have already been blessed by sweet, thoughtful friends through their text messages and gifts.

I know that there are always rainbows.  The only way I can survive this trial is to constantly look for and recognize them.  

Happy Mother's Day

I love my mom, and I love my mother-in-law.  It is truly a privilege to be their daughter.  I think of my mom and my mother-in-law often as I am now a mom too.   

I love being a mom myself! It is what I have wanted my whole life.  I chose my career based on my desire to be a mom.  That's probably one of the reasons that my fertility issues came as such a kick in the gut.  This little boy made me a mom first.  

This little bundle of joy made me a mom again and filled my heart in places that I didn't even know were empty.  Mother's Day left me smiling and teary-eyed all day.  I thought of my days of longing for both boys.  I thought of the miracle of pregnancy and the miracle of adoption.  I am so grateful of the sacrifice made and the trust placed by Nathan's birth family for me to be Nathan's mom.  I am also overwhelmed by the trust my loving Father in Heaven placed for me to be the mother of both of His boys.

Rachel isn't my daughter, but she lives with me and lets me boss her around like she is my kid.  I love her too!  She helped Matt and the boys make my day special.  We played games, ate yummy food, and enjoyed each other's company.  There were flowers, cards, and paper hearts with messages galore.  I felt very loved and appreciated. 

Happy Birthday Joshua!

 Joshua turned 5 for real!  He was excited and wore his Great Wolf Lodge birthday ears all day!  He innocently asked me at one point when we were going to get his birthday started.  I was confused and already feeling like a failure since this was the first year that he hadn't had an official party or play date with friends over.  I had discussed with Joshua that the trip to SC would be his party.  He had wanted a camping theme birthday party.  I told him that camping with Lizzy and going to the Great Wolf Lodge would be like a camping party.  He was on board and then the day arrived; and he was a little disappointed that there wasn't going to be a party.  I asked him what was missing from the camping experience and he said that he just wanted me to follow the directions that we had looked at together (thanks hour on Pinterest).  So, when he asked about getting the birthday started I thought he was referencing the no party situation.  No, he was referring to the fact that for the last two years I have put streamers on his door and downstairs (thanks Megan).  I realized that in the excitement of just returning the day before from our trip I had forgotten about that tradition.  Obviously, those little things stand out to Joshua.  We put the streamers up, and he was happy!

Aunt Rachel took him to see the movie, Home.  The two had a great time and came home giggling about the different funny parts.  

The birthday plan was Red Robin since that is his favorite place and none of us really like it anymore, so it is never chosen!  

Imagine a crowd of waiters standing behind Joshua singing Happy Birthday, and now see this stoic face looking at me.  Yes, that was what he did for the entire rendition.  He didn't acknowledge them or the ice cream that they gave him.  He said the singing just made him too shy.  Oh, I love this kid even though he makes situations very awkward sometimes.  

We got balloons on the way out and Nathan promptly began hitting Joshua with the balloon which broke the ice from the singing debacle.  

Joshua is a great kid.  He is thoughtful and serious but is gradually turning into more of a "typical boy."  He is very sensitive and loves to please.  He is a joy to teach daily and sincerely loves each member of the family.  Nathan has brought out a wilder side and now there is more laughter and wrestling from Joshua..  I have loved (almost) every minute of the last 5 years.  :-)

First Family Road Trip

We took off from San Antonio at 3:30 on Friday afternoon.  We arrived in Biloxi, MS around 1 am after checking out a potential neighborhood to live in first! We were feeling energized at 12:30 and then crashing and regretting our choices, but oh well.  I was amazed at how well the boys traveled, and the roads were certainly nice around 10 pm too.  We slept that night in the hotel at Keesler AFB.  We toured the AFB base the next morning and really liked everything we saw.  We were on the road and arrived safely in Atlanta by 3 pm.  Matt's cousin Amanda and her husband Doug greeted us along with their three kiddos.  We hadn't seen them since before we moved to Texas.  Joshua was just over one and Nathan didn't exist yet.  The entire Georgia family came over for food and fun.  It is amazing how even with all of the years missed there is something about being a family that allows you to just pick up and continue.  I felt so comfortable the entire time and look forward to many more visits. Amanda and Doug were wonderful hosts!  Joshua was thrilled to have cousins.  He thought the best part about Georgia was all of the books read to him by Aunt Kacky and the sleepover with "the girls."

Hugs with his great-grandma

Cousin Time

Technology time with Matt's Dad, a.k.a. the man that Matt developed his love of technology from

Joshua became quite the "rocker" this trip.  He gets crazy on the air guitar in the van. Nathan prefers drumming but I was never at a good angle to get a picture.

Sunday evening we arrived at my parents home.  It had been an entire year since we had seen each other, which is entirely too long.  To say we were excited to see each other would be an understatement.  My mom's health is not good and she is limited in what she can do.  On Monday, the park was our first activity which was perfect because she was able to see the boys run wild and play.  

 Julia, my amazing sister, is also a Paul Mitchell Cosmetologist, and she cut my hair off for a new look.  It was so much hair gone but I love it!  She also gave the boys haircuts as well.  

Relaxing on the porch

Shopping at the Outlets with Lizzy

Traveling to Columbia on a rainy day

Fun day at the Children's museum and we even had friends join us

Dinner with some Columbia friends

These two boys were thrilled to check out the cool motorcycles!

After dinner we played at a friend's house.  Joshua became a big kid instantly as the boys ran around with Nerf guns.  He had a blast!

Back at my parent's house, Nathan was happy to see Sammy and Lizzy, but mainly Sammy.  He was in love with this dog.  Sammy is old and doesn't jump or bark.  He just let Nathan crawl on him and climb all over him.  Nathan just loved to kiss and pet him.

My brother and his girlfriend joined us for fun a couple of times too!

Aunt Lizzy really brought Joshua out of his "city boy" box. They built a fire, fed chickens, and just ran free outside.

Of course if you build a fire, you must eat hot dogs and s'mores!

They also went camping.  Joshua loves sleeping outside in a tent.  Although he has yet to experience camping without a fan or wifi!  

We spent a day with Nathan's birth family.  Can I say I love open adoption?  I never have felt intimidated by who is Nathan's "real" mom.  It is me.  Who brought Nathan into the world and placed him lovingly for adoption?  His birthmom.  We were able to spend time with his birthmom, half brother, aunt, and Nana.  They are wonderful to us, and we love having more people love our boys!

Nathan bonded with them, and I hope they will continue to see us now that we will be 9 hours closer.

Fishing at the lake

Nathan was a challenge at this activity.  He wanted in the lake, and he wanted to feed the ducks.  I brought food for the ducks, and this was a good idea at first.

The ducks became pretty bold and came up the shore.  Nathan would get the food out and just hold it; so of course they wanted to take it out of his hand.  

Nathan decided he was pretty cute to dump his food out on his head and then wear the bowl.  We were late for church after an impromptu bath was needed.  It was wonderful to go to church with everyone.  This is the church I attended from birth so there are always many familiar faces to see.

My Dad took the week off of work.  It was great to spend time with everyone and really made me feel confident in our decision to move to Mississippi.  I hope we will see everyone more often with less miles between us!

Julia taught Joshua to play thumb war.

Sunday my mom invited all of the family to come over to visit with us and to celebrate both boys' birthdays.  She wanted to see them both do candles since she won't see us until after we move.  It was wonderful to visit and see so many people.  We definitely have a loving family!

Monday, we left and met Matt's parents at the Great Wolf Lodge.  Nani and PopPop informed the staff that we were celebrating a birthday.  Instead of the normal wolf ears Joshua had ears with a birthday hat, and he also had a special arm band so every time he went on a water slide he was wished a happy birthday.

Birthday cake and candles!  He asked me after this cake if he was actually 5 yet.  I told him not quite yet but just very loved by a Grandma and a Nani.  

My boys love the Great Wolf Lodge.  Storytime is a hit and Nathan wanted to hug the character the minute she came out.

Breakfast was delicious, and I may have forgotten all of my healthy guidelines!

Who needs a fork?

The waterpark was a hit for everyone.  We all went down slides, and Joshua even went on his own!  Where did my baby go?  I don't know that I really like this growing up business.  

Treats for the road

We left from the Great Wolf lodge and drove straight to Biloxi, MS again.  We stayed the night and drove back to San Antonio.  We were amazed at how well we were able to do the trip.  It will be a breeze the next time when we do the first part of the trip and we are finished!