Our Adoption Adventure

I will begin this with the words I want to shout at the top of my lungs.

WE ARE ADOPTING A BABY BOY!  DUE IN JUNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, since I have shared my very personal journey from the beginning I will tell you all my thoughts and emotions as we continue this roller coaster also known as adoption.

Almost two weeks ago, a lady walks into an office in SC.  She decides for the first time ever to say out loud the words, "My daughter is pregnant and she nor I can keep this baby."  The person she spoke to knew that Matt and I want to adopt.  She shared our name and then gave me the lady's phone number and name.  I immediately made possibly the most awkward phone call of my life.  "Hi.  This is Vanessa.   I was told you knew of someone wanting to place their baby for adoption......"  She then told me that yes this was going to have to be the solution but that unfortunately her daughter has made some bad choices.  The baby hasn't had a very healthy start and was exposed to some harmful drugs for the first 23 weeks.  We agreed to talk more and she agreed to try and get her daughter to her first prenatal visit.  The following Tuesday she had her appointment.  This was a LONG day.  I anxiously waited by the phone all day.  Finally, at 8 pm I received the message that she had an appointment but no ultrasound so really no information.  My mind was plagued with the following thoughts.

What if the baby was healthy?  Were we supposed to say yes.  Is this baby meant for our family?  What if the baby was unhealthy was I still supposed to say yes?  Just because the ultrasound looks good, there is a whole list of problems that can occur emotionally/mentally with this drug exposure.  However, a child that grows in my own womb has no guarantees of health either.  Lots of kids have emotional issues-big deal.  These thoughts were constantly there.  I felt confident though that we would know what to do.  That weekend we fasted and prayed that we would be able to make the right decision.  We decided on Sunday that if the baby was healthy we would say yes.  If the baby was unhealthy we would pray about it to know what to do.

Thursday she went in for her first ultrasound at 30 weeks and the doctors found a healthy, thriving baby boy.  I received the call and honestly I didn't feel the way I expected.  We had made our decision already so we knew to simply say yes.  However, it was just too surreal to really be excited.  Someone is going to give us a baby?  I shared the news with our family who had also been fervently pleading that this baby would be healthy.  Everyone was so happy and excited.  I too began to feel excitement but still overshadowed by nervousness and fear.  Now, the new turmoil was what if she changes her mind and is she making healthy choices now?  I am so far away and regardless there is nothing I can do.  Oh, free agency!

Friday morning I received 6 ultrasound pictures of "my son."  My heart melted and my excitement grew.  This is happening!  I am going to be a new mom in less than two months!!!!!  Friday I spent the day on the phone arranging an adoption lawyer to work with us and looking for a residence for our birth mother for the next few months.  It was a long day again with a lot of growing up again.  Growing up is hard.  I realized that just because a path is right, doesn't mean that it is necessarily easy.  This is a new experience as well.  Making good choices usually leads to an easier life; why is this so hard?

Saturday and Sunday were filled with moments of conflict and confusion.  Yay we are having a baby!  Followed by a series of "what ifs" and then oh what if we are spending a ton of money and this doesn't actually happen. They can change their mind at any point, and we don't get any money back.  Matt has been the rock that I need though.  He hasn't been anxious at all.  To my money concerns- he told me simply, "Who cares, it is a lot of money, but we are taking care of one of God's children (referring to the birth mom).  If she changes her mind, well we helped keep her safe.  If she doesn't change her mind, then we helped keep our child safe."  To my "what if this is a difficult child concerns, and I am simply not enough"- He said, "Heavenly Father wouldn't give you one of His children to raise if you couldn't handle him.  He loves him more than you do so he will give him what he needs."  (I love this man)

We have only had the news that we are adopting for less than a week and we have debated whether or not to share.  A lot of families choose not to share the news until they have baby in arms.  This is very reasonable because the moment that baby enters into the world it is a very real moment and to place him in the arms of another takes an enormous amount of courage.  However, I have decided that I can not live the next two months in doubt and in fear.  I have prayed for help with this because I won't survive the internal debate.  The answer to my prayer is that I must learn to trust Him.  We decided to enter into this adoption world because we felt that it was the right choice.  It has not been easy on the heart.  We prayed this baby would appear healthy on the ultrasound and that if he/she was we would say yes.  We said yes.  We are moving forward now with a yes.  I don't know what will happen tomorrow or a few years from now.   What I do know is that right now we are rejoicing.  We are adding a new baby to our family.  Yippee!!!!