Losing Something When It Isn't Yours To Lose

The end of November I received an email from a Facebook friend indicating her neighbor's teenage daughter was pregnant.  My Facebook friend remembered my post about looking for a baby to adopt from October.  I will not bore you with the details nor do I want to share anyone's private information but I will tell you that there were so many amazing coincidences that made this situation perfect for our family in regards to the timing, the location, and so forth.  I was dutifully guarded because I knew intellectually that these situations can come up and disappear.  Obviously, now that the outcome I desired doesn't seem to be happening I partially wish I had remained guarded.

 However, I have decided when you love sometimes you lose and I will try hard to not regret my decision to fully embrace and open my heart to this possibility.  I knew that the mother of this unborn child wasn't in the best situation of her life.  So, I began to earnestly plead and pray for her to have strength and comfort.  I asked my family to pray for her as well.  We prayed that she would be taken care of and the child growing inside her would also be healthy and eventually ours.  I knew from the start this little one was a girl.  I thought of her often and prayed for her as well.    January arrived and so did the announcement that the baby was indeed a girl.  As far as I knew the mom still wanted to place the baby for adoption.  I began to relax a little as I thought well she has seen the ultrasound which is such an exciting time and she knows the gender so the baby isn't an "it" but a she and she is still going to place the baby.  This baby and this mother found their way into our hearts fully.  I found myself dreaming in pink and thinking of the future.  June 1st would be here in no time!

She was scheduled to meet with the agency we are using to adopt on Friday.  I prayed and waited to hear how the appointment went with the understanding that this was a pivotal moment.  It would be an opportunity for one more sigh of relief.  Well, my Friday update came and the mother actually decided she does not want to place the baby anymore.  As I read those words on the screen, I couldn't breathe for a moment and my eyes burned and then the tears flowed.  My heart was completely broken.  I know, I know how could I mourn a loss that wasn't mine to lose?  I don't know.  I can't explain it but I really feel/felt like this baby was meant for our family.  This hurt was similar to that of a failed pregnancy test when you really think this was the lucky month or a fertility treatment that didn't work but so much greater.  I think maybe because this time there is a baby growing and it is so close but it isn't ours.  It could be but we don't have the ability to make it happen.  Our individual free agency is very real and very special; this mother has the ability to make decisions for herself and that is a gift.  So, I will wait again.  I will wait for my blessing to come when it will come.  Although, I don't want anyone to offer me the comfort of a different baby will come from adoption or don't worry someday you will get pregnant.  I know all of this.  I know that someday I will probably get pregnant and that someday someone may choose us to adopt their child but it isn't this baby.  It isn't this child that I felt was for me.  I will remember her and miss her.